Resolutions I've Already Ruined

Like everyone else, right before New Year's, I get very reflective and serious. I think about all my greatest triumphs and letdowns. I vow to be better and do better. I vow to make a change and take charge. I make sweeping declarations and promises to myself and others. Then I wake up on Monday and hit the snooze button on said promises.  With an iphone, rescheduling resolutions is so very easy. 

It's true. Though I had a grand list of New Year resolutions, I must confess: not a heck of a whole lot has changed yet. In fact, I'm fairly certain I've already outright broken and ruined some of my finest, most important resolutions. (Something tells me I'm not the only one).

Here are some that I've already broken:

1) Futzing with my face.  So, I'm not sure what's going on with my skin these days but all I know is that I feel like the gods of dermatology are trying to wage a war on my face. I've tried this lotion, that cream, the toner, but nothing is working. And because patience (see #2) is not a virtue of mine, I have had to take matters into my own hands, literally. But I realize, to be frank, popping ain't pretty. Therefore,  I vowed that this year, I would back off and keep my hands away from the horrible looking mounds of "pass the concealer" pimples and let them breathe and "heal" organically. I am currently picking at something though as I type. I. Just. Can't. Stop. Perhaps this letter will quell this issue once and for all though: Dear Face, High school called. It would like it's acne back. Love, me. 

2) Practicing patience. If I could hurry you along as you read this I would. That's how impatient I can be. I mean, I realize, it is to a fault. Here you are, reading my post, (thank you very much) but I'm anxiously awaiting for you to move on to the end, so I can finish this post and get out of here. I have to shower, futz with my face (see #1) and go on Facebook to "check something" (see #3). Really, you are taking sooooooooo long to read this. ARE. YOU. DONE. YET? I mean, reading doesn't take this long. Neither does pouring a Venti bold drip, or finding a parking space at preschool, or getting a four year old in a car seat. But I digress... Patience. Yes, patience is a problem for me. Wait, seriously, are you STILL reading?

3) Facebook Stalking. Why do I spend time looking to see who's friends with who, who's checked in where, and how much skinnier a certain ex-girlfriend (or two or three) is than me, you ask? Because, frankly, I like to torture myself (see #4) and enjoy snooping. (Hey, at least I'm honest). Plus, I can't help it that certain people don't know how to make their photos and or status updates on Facebook private. I mean, she/he/THEY are just begging to be stalked. This year, I'm going to stop the Facebook (stalking) madness and put an end to what really is the world's biggest time suck. I will. (Eventually). But first, can I just say:  Is that really what she wore on New Year's Eve?! Dislike.

4) Mother F**ker.  I have a potty mouth. I like strong words and I like to use them. However, when your 4 year old repeats everything, dropping f bombs isn't very wise. (He thinks "f**kit" is one word.) When he asked very seriously the other day why sometimes I say "dammit" and sometimes I say "god dammit," and proceeded to offer examples of what warrants the lord's name and what doesn't, I knew it was time to clean up my act. But holy sh*t, the person driving in front of me this morning needed to speed the f**k up or get off the f***ing road. 

5) Self Love and Kindness. My family and friends will tellyou : I can be very hard on myself. Painfully insecure, self depracation is something I do well. And A LOT. It's not an attractive quality... Probably very off putting. Actually, it's pretty lame and pathetic. (See? Here I go again.)  The point is, being kinder to myself is at the top of my list of new year resolutions. But alas, self love doesn't happen over night. Especially when your boyfriend has to hold your hair on New Year's Eve while you vomit in the street, splattering his shoes (and yours), wake up the next morning with mascara caked on your face which leads to a new zit (see #1), head to Starbucks (hungover) and wait in the longest line (see #2), and while you wait for the Barista you're now convinced is trying to kill you (see "Thinking the worst"- a resolution not on this list), you "happen" to look at your phone and "happen" to notice that certain people on Facebook are starting their New year off with a run. (See #3) THAT is one big fat resolution FAIL, my friends. I suck. 

The good news is that even though I've fallen off the wagon in these departments, I have about 361 days to get it together and really be better on every level. Good thing I'm a practically perfect mom and will never have to make a resolution with regards to parenting. (Insert comment here).

What resolutions have you blown?