My Son Found My Sex Toy and Other Valentine's Day Nightmares

About a year or so after my divorce my girlfriends insisted that just because I didn't have a man didn't mean I didn't get to have orgasms.

Point taken.

I think I had just turned that part of myself off, focusing only on supporting my children, paying the bills and rebuilding my life.  "I've had sex and I will have sex again. Just not now," I would tell them.

“Not now” somehow turned into not in two years.

"Damn!" One girlfriend said after I confessed my desert-like state.  "Are you sure you're still open for business? You know what happens when you stop wearing earrings," she joked.

The girls' day out for lunch, toy shop and cocktails (no pun intended) was arranged on the spot.

The purchase (a very discreet massager) stayed in the box for months. I've just never been the self-pleasuring type. Maybe I've got Catholic school girl issues or maybe I missed the sexual revolution (was it televised?) But really I just think there are things that are meant to happen between two people. Not one person and one battery operated device.

I mean there's a reason why you can't tickle yourself.

But one (lonely) Valentine's day after 3 glasses of wine and too much late night cable, I gave the massager a try.

I don't know if it was the Merlot or the "magic moment" but apparently, I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up to a humming sound and looked over to find my 5-year-old in my bed and using the "massager" on his back. "Mom, this is great for my back!!!" he said excitedly with a huge smile ,reaching over his shoulders to move the massager on his back. "When did you get this??"

Cue screaming, Nooooooooooooooo!!!

"Um, that was a gift," I said calmly. "Mommy's back was hurting too last night…Give that back to Mommy, please. And go put those pajamas straight into the washing machine."

I was scared straight. I threw the massager out---not trusting myself to put it securely away after use and not wanting my kids to ever find it and figure out what it really was.

Ever since then, the only thing I give myself on Valentine's Day is chocolate.

Have you had a sex toy blooper with your kids?