Facebook: The Land of Comparisons

Ever been busted doing something you really shouldn't do? I have. In a major way. Allow me to paint the picture....

A couple months ago, I was out with my boyfriend and we happened to bump into a girl that he "dated." "Briefly."  So he introduces us, and as they're catching up, my mind starts racing and my eyes start undressing her. Now, before I go on (and you start judging me), I'm certain that no matter WHAT the girl that your guy "dated" "briefly" looks like, you, like ME, go to one place and once place only: Comparison Land. Hmm? Ever been there? Let me tell you, it's lovely. Especially during that time of the month.

So there I was. In Comparison Land. And boy, was I stuck. Driving home that night, I couldn't stop thinking about HER. And him. Did he like her? How much? Was she funny? Is her butt tighter than mine? Does she drool in her sleep? Does she have skinny ankles? Does she wash her hair more than once a week? The list of questions went on. Why was I so fixated with this chick? What was it about her (or any of the girlfriends of "playtime" past) that made/make me obsess like a crazy person? I couldn't stop.

Once I got home and in bed at Casa Comparison Ranch, the snowball of curiosity continued to grow. I needed more. The crazy needed more fuel. SO, I did what most self destructive women do when they feel fat and bloated and ridiculously PMS'd: I went on Facebook.

I type in her name.  

I find her profile picture.

I click on her profile picture.  

It gets bigger on my phone.  

I save the picture to my phone.  

I text it to two of my best girlfriends.

I use funny twitter hashtags acknowledging my psycho-ness (and her looks).  

I delete my texts with pictures. No one will ever know my dirty secret. Especially not my boyfriend. (Insert laugh like Count Dracula here).

SO. We go out to dinner a few nights later. We're having a lovely time. Conversation and wine is flowing. He asks to see a photo on my phone. I pass it over. He looks at the picture. Swipes it to the next... and the next... and the WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

There it was. The profile picture of Briefly Dated. OOPS.  Busted.

I apologize profusely and explain why I had it on my phone. He definitely wasn't amused (as much as my girlfriends. Hee hee), but thankfully he didn't leave me at the restaurant that night out of fear that I might boil a bunny or something, and eventually we moved past the ordeal.

Obviously, I have learned my lesson. We all know that nothing is at seems on Facebook. Especially the profile pics of people you don't have access to... It’s a façade of hotness. No one really looks like that, do they? But, I digress. The point is, ladies, don't go to Comparison Land. It never ends well… Unless, of course, all traces of travel to CL and evidence have been deleted and removed from the crime scene. And if you’re ever looking for a partner in crime, you know who to call. Just find me on Facebook.